don't stop make it pop

it's been awhile since i felt this way about a person. the impatience i feel when you're about to come over. the butterflies i get when you send me a text, even just waiting for you to text back. the random smiles i get when i think about our conversations. i'm scared but it's a good scared because without it we wouldn't have meaning. ahhh. i wish it was 6 already so i can get ready & be able to seee you (: even if it's only an hour, it'll be fun.

you rock my socks boyfriend. i better go study. fuuuuck.

house of night

the problem with not thinking and just doing is the after effects of what you're actually getting yourself into. & sometimes confessing just makes you feel stupid. haha. but don't worry, over time you'll just think to yourself that it just wasn't meant to be. if the other half of whom you are in interest with doesn't feel the same, then just fuck it. shit happens and when they do, you act like a scared little bitch, suck it up. because no one likes a cry baby.

anywaaaay! i've got 5 books to read.

1. marked, a house of night novel

2. the lightening thief (which i think they're making a movie)

3. vampire academy

4. frostbite

5. the ingenious edgar jones

as of right now, thats the order that i'm going. but i might read some different ones. i'm almost done with marked. & i think i might read the vampire ones first, since marked is about vampyres.

i guess all i can do is bear and grin, bear and grin.

i wanna reptar shirt /: & a leather jacket & new boots that make that clicky sound. & some heels. & new hair.

russian roulette

my sisters all drugged up on vicodin, so im about to spend the night there and come back with some new clothes. yeeee!

i love this cold weather. (: esp. when it looks like it's about to rain outside, hella pretty even though it's dark and gloomy. you gotta admit, it's nice. to sit there and drink hot chocolate. it's comforting just a little...

i realize that you suck, you could never hold up to his standards. you could never hang. and you could never make yourself available for anyone. not even if they have any potential for you. you always gotta hold back. you fucked up your own life. and it's your fault that you're in this mess. the only one you should be blaming, is yourself. because you're the one who let all this bad shit happen to you. so no wonder no one wants to be around you, because you've changed yourself. you may think it's for the good, but tell me. are you happy? you basically have no real friends, no one to kick it with and no friends to depend on.

so the next one that comes walking up your door, please. please! do not do the same thing you do to everyone else because this one may be the one to change you, (so my sister called me to her room just a second ago & she just told me how douches are used.... gross) and if he does change you then good. you need it. don't over think things, you do it every time and every time you do it look where it lands you...

dont think, just do.

lemme lay it down real quick

soooo. working at target is better than i thought. hella fun people to work with. and i seldom make mistakes, not like fucking against all odds with all the manual shit i had to do. the only thing i worry about is what time i clock in after lunch & selling red cards. 

its pretty chill there. i like the people i work with & no one really even scares me. not even paula... (which i heard was the scariest person there...) i mean, she is intimidating but she hasn't said shit to me, so i'm gooood. (:

lemmme tell you about snake bites one time tho!!! mmm. snake bites, tall, dark hair, mixed. he looks like he'd be fun to kick it with and just talk about books to... yeah that's right i said books. BUTTTT. i needa find out if he has a beau cas i heard he did. but i'm still going to ask if he has one. & if he does, doesn't mean we still can't be friends right? not like ima be some stupid bitch that's tryna snatch him up. (even though i want to, ill try not to do it if hes gotta beau thang) 

overall. everyone is pretty chill & cool. 

everyday at work has been fun. & i've yet to complain about work. except this one day.....

so what happened was...

i was ringing up this lady telling her her total & if she wanted a red card. & then i hear "hey, are you open?" so i turn around to answer the voice and i reply "yeah, just a moment." and once i turned around what i see.... what i fucking saw... ruined my day the whoooole day. esp. since snake bites wasn't working that day. i mean foreal. WTF is these niggas doin in fairfield when they usually kick it in vacaville? and why the fuck would they go to my line? why the fuck are they at target. then, they hella laughed at each other & his dumb ass hella left and stood out of the store like i was a disease. i wanted to walk out there and punch the shit outta that smile he had on his face. dumb ass nigga. i had to shake it off though cas i was at work and i wasn't about to be a bitch to people.

but foreal though. i want him hurting. as fucked up as it sounds, i really dont care. his face pisses me off. idk how i ended up loving someone like that...

anywho. so my social life is still in the gutter. i just go to school and work. but it's whatever i'm makin money honey. 

finallyyy!

last night, i was hella bored so i was just watching random shit on youtube. like gay guys talking about makeup & gay guys talking about being gay...? idk but i finally found the song ive been looking for in sooo long.

cheeeck it outttt:

ps. i want the 217 blending brush and the 194 concealer brush.... their like 22 bucks i think? ima get them...

cheeetaaah

i went to my grandma's house to check it out & in her closet, i found a cheetah print sweater, cardigan thingy kinda. 

so i took it. & wore it. & i felt weird.

pumpkin thrown at my garage

people are hella stupid. i like how last year a pumpkin hit my house as well.... like really? why my house? out of all the houses... it has to be mine.

so, if you know anyone who did it. some tip of who it is would be quite relaxing because if the reason why it happened is because some punk ass loser has a problem with me... if you have a problem with me just say it to my face. just go up to me and be like "i dont fuckn like you" cas i probably dont like you either.

but if it was some random ass thing, then your still hella stupid. wasting money and shit. but thanks for the pumpkin now we dont have to go out & buy our own. (:

anyway.. im finally 20. only 2 more years... and ill have what i need to get out.

you know what really sucks? when a hella old ass man decides to hit on you. & when he does... he has some young annoying bitch to nonchalantly walk up to your desk and drop a note, yes a note on your desk. & im like.... wtf. -_- hella scary. it's like getting hit on by my dad. that's just gross and scary. hella something i dont wanna come to when im tryna pass this math class tho. fuckkkk.

& i got some new grown clothes.(: sooo exciting.

so, my birthday

is next week on wednesday....

i love how my horoscope said that my birthday was special, but it doesn't really feel like it anymore. 

i just hope my dad actually does take me shopping. i think im expecting too much out of it. i'm only turning 20.

i can't cut my hair anymore cas my mom wants me to save up for a bed. since mine is popped dumbass air mattress shit bitch thing...

my sister is gonna take me out to dinner i guess?

then for halloween she's taking me to a party in vallejo. so i'm excited about that.

lie to me

dam. people with multiple personalities.... are crazy ass people. lie to me made me wanna watch sybil again. cas that movie is kinda dope.

ANYWAY. so, i'm sick and i sound like a boy going through pubirty you can't even really hear my voice when i talk either. /: and i gotta present my speech wednesday too. hella sad. stupid sore throats. 

Me & michael are sick. laaaaaame.

MELANIE K. DIMALANTA

hella no homo that i know your whole name nigga. no homo.

but, HAPPY MOTHERFUCKN BIRTHDAY. finally 19 nigga. whaaaa!?

anywho.

i had this big ass blog to write but then, it all disappeared from my head. all i gotta say is the degrassi girls are hella worse than the chicks from the hills... & i have no idea why the fuck my brother is watching it with his friends... 

hella skinny tho... hella skinny....

i waaant...

a new phone. mines getting pretty old. im not used to having the same phone for more than a year. which is coming up soon. & i think ima change my number too. just for the hell of it. haha. im hella bored. i think ima go to sleep. just so that tmw can start up already. 

i hope tmw is a good day.

because im hella bored

hella did the laundry.

it's only me that's home, no kitty & no xye....

hella made dinner too hot wings whaaaaat?!

i even cleaned my drawer, folded everything & what not.

and i'm putting away all the clothes & folding them.

i even setup the table.

is you proud tho?

too bad the giants lost today... /: im hella tired now. i been up since 11 

I had a nightmare too, just i forgot what it was about but i know it was a bad dream.

anyone wanna buy me a new dreamcatcher? (: ill love you forever.

yesterday was cool. i finally hung out with someone that i missed. no homo tho.

"when i was little, i used to wear two jeans in rotation because i didn't like going to the mall"

".... because you were poor?"

"no."

hahaha! hella funny.

idk why people talk shit about people & still talk to them. wtf?

it's... confusing.

what are you really? a fake ass person to them, or to me?

fake people make the world go round

sometimes the past can bite you in the ass. /:

No matter how much good you do or try to do, it'll never cover up what happened. 

don't try to justify yourself i don't want to hear it. all your about is bullshit & im not going to take it anymore.

so stop being fake because i dont need you.

people suck right now,  FUCK YOU

so sicckkkkk /:

i got the fluuuu. ):

my head hurts and my nose is all stuffed and i get hot & cold at random ass times. /:

supeeer gay. but im watching stepup2. soooo sexy!!

anyway. it rained today!!! i loveee the smell of rain. & it's finally gna be cold tmw, hopefully.

alright im bored.

OUTTA ALL THE DAYS...

man, don't even get me started on what happened last night, im still pissed about it...

my dream date is about to happen.... with my sister, her boyfriend, my brother, sister, xye & smokey.

who woulda thought.

UGH.

last night... was hella crackin!!! even though when i woke up & replayed everything... i know i did too much... i'm soooo embarrassed, it's not even cool. so sorry for acting the way i did to some people. you already know, you already know.

& i had a deep convo with my cousin. & my cousins where there. & they seen me fucked up, for the first time... haha. it was cool though. 

def. should do it again. but the next time. ima just be cool, and not even drink that much... cas im not tryna throw up again. cas thats not cool, not cool at all.

& i missed touching alexas boobs. haha!!!

it was hella fun just chillin with people i haven't seen in hella long. & im sorry to the people where i hella called you someone else (DAVID). my baaaaad. 

anywho. and it's nice to be cool with everyone now. i'm not trippin cas idc no more.

ima just do what melanie said, "just do you, and just wait." something along those lines...

herra cute herra nice

So, did I mention that my sister was on tv. courtesy of the sf giants vs. diamond back game? & the balldude, who happened to be my step-grandaddy?

oh yes, oh  yes. she is there for a quick second, but you can tell it's her. (: i told hella people i know that she was on tv. haha.

 

& before the game, i hustled my father for some mooolah.

15 to be exact.

J: what're you drinking?

R: coffee

J: what kinda coffee

R: just regular black coffee

J: oh... you suck

R: why are you thirtsy

J: kinda, but we have to leave for the game. can you just give us money? cas i think we're gna stop by starbucks on the way to the game.

R: alrigh.

*walked to his car, he pulled out his wallet only had 3 5dollar bills & some ones*

J: your just gna give us 10? what about michael?

*hands another 5*

R: here.

J: thanks dad, bye!

that's how it went down. yeee.

UGH today, hella people were like i like your dresss. even this old ass man!! was he lookin where he shouldn't tho? is he tryna rape me one time he gets me in a corner and attack me with his rolling cane...

& then this black dude got my number talking about how im gna be pregnant with his baby... uhhh... i dont think sooo!!! hell no. i am far from getting preggo.

can't wait til my birthdayyyyyy!!! are you ready?

i still dk what i wanna do. /:

but melanies friend is hella cute(:

but anywho.. im hella bored. it's friday... aaand im gettting bored sleepy. i think ima nap. peaceeee

A beautiful nightmare

I'm thinking about taking down the pictures of you from my closet. I'm not even sure why I still keep you up there. You've found a new. And I'm sure  you both don't give a rats ass about me. But still I wanna say,"I hope you guys are happy, you deserve each other. Drina needs someone to make her happy & someone to care for her as much i know you will. & kevin needs someone who won't take his shit."

I don't even know why i'm writing this shit. because no one looks at it. except me. HAHAHHAA!

oh well, at least it's off my chest. (:

It's easier for me to get over you again this way. because now i know forsure that you're not coming back & hopes for you to even make my dream come true is not an option. For me to be angry at you, not even angry. I'm pissed at you.  is such a good way to just leave you right where we started. I think that day that we both got drunk, was a mistake because that was the day i let you back into my heart. I shouldn't have even given you my number the day you tried to get drina's stuff back. I shouldn't even have gotten involved with the whole dam situation. Oh well though. I'm sorry that it ever happened.

i'm not even just pissed at you. i'm sad&angry that no one had the guts to fuckn tell me what the hell was goin on with you & audrina til i talked to someone who i guess thought i knew and then brucebruce had to calm me down a bit. i mean really, how fuckn hard is it for someone to say, "hey jasmine, yeah get over kevin because him & audrina are talking. so suck it up and move the fuck on already."

 Did I really have to go through the whole marilynn i'll keep you my little secret shit again?

AND at least marilynn had the guts to tell me herself. in a note. but still it was her that told me and not someone else. c'mon now, we're all grown. so why doesn't anyone act like it?

so please, spare me your pity. 

i'd rather associate with people who tell me shit straight up and not dwell on if it's the right thing to do, or if it'll hurt my feelings, bitch i don't give a fuck as long as i know and i don't look like a total dumb ass to the world.

& the only person who does that that's not related to me is paris. because it only comes in pairs.

♥

i've got a feeling, that tonights gna be a good night

i had the best time yesterday. i'd say, the best date i've ever been on... so far.

phillycheesesteak sandwiches, yummm.

gas station, when the scratch ticket blew out of your hands & you had to chase after it... was hella cute.

bowling.

star gazing. (hella seen shooting stars)

soo much laughing and talking. i was hella comfortable. hopefully we'll do it again. (:

& maybe it'll work & maybe it will. who knows.

i hope it does work though haaaah.

& the meet in stockton, was fun too. hella weird models hella ugly & brace faced & weird ass gogos with their weird ass dancing and what not. haha.

sooooooooo.

i can't wait til my 20th (: eeeeeee!

it's gna be the beeeest.

i hope everyone i invite actually shows up, if not... fuck you then.

now i just have to work on making it perfect. im almost there. just a little more pain & suffering til october.

god, do i loveee the winter. i miss the cold. seeing my breath in the air. not being able to make myself get outta bed. 

it seems that everything happens in the winter for me.

let's hope you can make it til then.

hey jasmine, where's that friend you used to hang out with?

she's in rehab.

..... LMFAO.

fuckface said im getting fat. /:

well you look like a cancer patient. bitch!

i need mooolah.

it's obvious it hurts; im the one who's closet to your ♥

can we go back?

hhhh. 

hella days ago i was gna write about this, but i never got the chance to.

had a heart felt hug & cry with my madre

then i had one with my brother. it was weird & awkward at the same time. but it felt good somehow. all because one man... & stupid fat ass liar that needs to die; alone. cas im not answering his phone calls anymore. 

YOURE NO LONGER PART OF MY LIFE. SO STOP TRYING TO BE SOMEONE YOUVE NEVER BEEN.

you should've gotten your forgiveness hella long ago. theres no use trying now because i know nothing in your fucked up mind will change.

besideeees thaaaaat.

lifes tough getta helmet.

im finally getting to where i want to be. just a few more weeks... you'll all seee.

i kinda miss....

some people that i haven't heard from in hella long.

i mean, it was cool being friends with you til you didn't tell me about all that shit about you know who... i mean if you told me, i woulda been mad you know that, but still i woulda respected you for telling me & dealt with it as much possible as i could. /: you were a almost solid ass bitch, but what do i know right?

hella of my 'friends' dont even talk to me anymore. but it's probably my fault cas i don't hang. then again, they dont invite me anywhere & then again, i never really go.

my lifes fucked in the friendship section, somewhat.

but at least now i know who's gonna be there for me no matter what, even if we dont hang or don't really talk. they'll always be there to calm my ass down.

fuck love relationships, i want something specific & im not settling for less, so if he never emerges; so be it.

i just hate being the last to know things. why can't people just be straight up & just tell me shit to my face, even if it hurts me. id rather know & be hurt than to not know & be happy.

): i hate liars&fakes.

imissrandomconversations

such a terrible dream, such a terrible thing

waking up at 4am. 

such a terrible dream to dream about.

i started crying. it felt so real... i never want them to talk again. i never wanna hear those words again.

such a terrible dream terrible terrible dream.

it's like a hit to the face

when you see someone you want to forget not only in your dreams, but also in person. that one moment where you lock eyes long enough that your mind takes in every detail of that moment and how you felt butterflies again just looking at his eyes. then you constantly want him back into your life. just because one dream put everything back into your head a beautiful dream of the future that belongs to just the two of you. but then reality comes knocking hard on your door and you fall back into what you really know... and your world comes crashing down; again. all you can do is dwell on the past and what could have been.

my beautiful, charming, babygirl. we'll see what happens.

ilyverymuch.

he obviously doesn't care about you, so why are you even considering him for just that thing?

THINK THINK THINK THINK about what you've done, before you go doing things

whassup its BRUNOOO

hahah hella funny movie.

WATCH IT.

mwahaha turned heads tdy yeaaaaaboyyy

"you cant hold a man..." "...awww denieddd"

rude ass people!

people needa learn how to shut a dam door without it slamming. i mean really, do you not see the sign that says "don't slam the door" ?!?!

seriously. though. im not trippin as much as i think i was going to.

but thasss good. yes?

it just makes my determination stronger to reach my goal. which im going to make. with or without your help. i just hope one day, we'll all be able to sit aside one another with no hesitated thoughts & no regrets. ALL of us. except maybe one person...

gotta new purse. it SHITS all over yours!!

so fuck youuuu.(:

Brinnnng oonnn...

the pain.

cas im ready to take you head on fuckers.

just waaaiiiit & you'll see.

you'll never look at me the same.

i bet you think this is about you

you'll never truly be appreciated for all the things you do for people. because most of them never know what you've done for them, and none of them care because their thinking of one thing THEIR happiness and not yours. 

sooo i say fck it.

fck your friends

fck your enimies

fck your lovers

fck your boyfriends

fck your life

&

fck your mom

i guess i'm M.O.B.N now.

fck what you know

cas it'll never be the same.

just wait & you'll see aint no one can replace meeee niggas

this song is dedicated to my faaavorite loverrr.

this song was founded by audrinamiranda.

I'm so done
I'm through
It's your fault
It's you

You can never ever say I aint gave my love,
You can never say I don't care,
Since the beginning I've been here, I aint changed my love,
Regardless of what you may feel,
Us breaking up today would be a shame my love,
But baby its such a good idea,
But you won't show me that you appreciate my love,
I had to say goodbye my dear.

My dear my dear...Say goodbye my dear...

I'm packin up boy I gotta leave,
Gave you my heart and my soul, my everything,
Spent so much time in the streets,
You lied, you creeped,
And I stayed here with you.
Dont wanna do this to my family,
They wanna see us together, living happily,
But you are so unfair, you showed no care,
And thats why I am through
All the pain,
All these years,
I hate to walk away,
But I gotta say goodbye my dear,
I'm so done wit you boy.

chorus


We've been going through this so long,
And you don't listen to me so now I'm showing you,
Everytime I'm gone you miss me more
than you think you will
and now nigga thought of you
all that I am here
all the years I've been doin you
lookin how we're near
then what you got me going through

She says I ain't doin nothing
but you

I'ma let you have yo shit
Better stop tryin me
I'ma
I mean no harm

She got a hold of my heart though

chorus

First we fuss and we fight and we break up
then we kiss and make love and we make up
Do this over and over but no more
this time I'm done fo sho

do we feel through the same shit tho, love? 

idk why you have the song up, but im glad you found it.

you'll get through it tho honey cas im here for you(:

& if you just like this song because you like it, then im still here for you & my baad about the mistake ahha.

loveee you

here we go again...

and there i go again, thinking of you...

i dreamt about you, it was hella weird... for the past two days it was all about you.

and then today of all days when i go out, i see you riding to work...

the image of you standing on your bike looking towards where you were headed and your helmet not even closed is burnt into my mind every time i think of you now that image is in my mind... every moment of it i remember.

but as fast as i saw you, the faster you left to be forgotten, only to be remembered inevitably in my mind every time i think of your name, your bike... 

god i miss you so much

and the winner isss....

say hello to one of the sexiest faces ive ever seen && the winner of american fuckn idol; KRIS MOTHAFUCKN ALLEN, bitches!! my man won. the fck did i say!? eeee!

ok, too much excitement....

anyway, so tdy is the day!! 

i passed english370 aww yeah aww yeah!!!

here's my essay:

NOTE: I lied in a paragraph, it just went with what i was saying... but idgaf i passed!!

Forgiveness' Freedom

Do you find yourself constantly thinking about a situation where you or a friend was hurt? Are you over analyzing the events that happened and the choices that were made? With the thought of hatred and regret in one hand and the thought of forgiveness in the other, which one should you choose? If you choose to forgive a person of their sins, are you sure they won't do it again? But if you choose to continue to stay angry, are you just holding yourself back? These are the questions everyone faces throughout their lives. It doesn't matter what the situation is. Many people ask themselves questions like these everyday. I believe that forgiveness should not be taken lightly. It may take awhile to forgive, but at the end of it all forgiveness brings peace.

Forgiveness is just as important as love. Many people make mistakes and regret the things that happened with someone else and themselves. In "Finding Freedom in Forgiveness" Jennifer Thompson-cannino forgives Ronald Cotton, the man she thought had raped her, yet he had already forgiven her a long time ago. Forgiving someone is a hard thing to do. So many years went by with the false rape charges, but Thompson-cannino stated, "I believe in forgiveness - the kind that has the power to release a person from a place of anger and hate, to place of peace" (1). I agree that forgiveness does put many people at peace. With the knowledge of being forgiven people move on with their lives. They aren't constantly thinking about the past, but more focused on the future.

It's true that forgiveness give peace; however, in some cases forgiveness is the hardest decision to make. My ex-boyfriend had cheated on me with my cousin in 2006. You can only imagine the hatred and hurt I felt whenever the thought of them being together crossed my mind. I thought I could never forgive them for putting me in such a bad position. A year later, everything cooled down and my life got better. But in the back of my mind they were still there waiting for a spark, a clue to come back into my life. Eventually I had to make a choice to move on or to stay angry and bitter for the rest of my life. It was a tough decision and I'm still pondering if it was the right thing to do. I decided to forgive them for hurting me. I realized there were more people to meet and more scandals to discover. Cotton stated, "I had to let the hate go, and learn to live and forgive" (1). I had done exactly what Cotton had done. Although it didn't take me as long to forgive, I felt at ease with myself. That's when I truly moved on.

In the end, forgiveness is an experience that many people go through everyday. They ask themselves many questions to see if forgiveness is the choice that should be made. It is just as easy as hard it it to forgive someone. At the end of all the constant thinking and the inevitable hurt we all share forgiveness brings out peace  in each and every one of us. Forgiveness shows us the importance of itself. Whenever we feel at peace it is also forgiveness that we're feeling. There is only one fault that forgiveness carries and it's that everyone can forgive, but no one will ever forget.

mwahaha. the last sentence is my favoriteee (:

wooo tmw we leave at 7 in the morning to tahoeeee. 

it's mark, my mom, michael, charlie, xye & i going weeeee it should be fun & hopefully i get to see nevada, if he even goes... bitch won't text me back, fucker. 

UGH ive been cleaning since fuckn 11:30! and it's already 2 i'm takin a break since everyones home now. mwahahahahha.

all i gotta do now is text, pack, eat, sleep & watch tv.

i missed my desperate housewives, damit! kk i think ima go pack or at least think about it.

audrina mothafuckn miranda!!!!

good luck on your pageant tonight!! 

take pictures and post that shit on your myspace!! mwahaha. ill hella comment!!

&&& i hope you winnnn. OMG IF YOU DO, WE'RE TOTALLY GNA CELEBRATE; PIAAAA style babbbyyy(:

woooo. & if you don't win, well.... we'll drink anyway... watch the dvd they give you & talk shit about all the girls!! mwahahahhaa. it'll be fun either way.

buuuut good luck anyway!!!

& that dear is for you. (: 

if i could go you know id hella bring some that would probably be bigger than myself. -_-

hahaha, man just thinking about that makes me laugh...

But don't fret about your butterflies they'll go away i swear.

good luccckkk tho!!!!

♥

meeee and you belong, ohh i wanna run, run smash into you

hehe. nice ass song.

i am officially excited cas my friend is gna come live with me starting thursday. (:

i can't wait to go to tahoe. i might be able to see nevada(: yeeees. i wanna look into those blue eyes and have him stare at me like at dinner mwahahaha!!

good times good times.

and it was nice talking about high school and prom with xyerine. 

byeeee

tans fade?

hella didn't know they did 'til tiffany told me.

ugh, i hate it when you look at someones page when you're hella bored and it happens to be someone you had a thing with and you hella think about the things that happened between you... and you just tell yourself, "WTF WERE YOU THINKING!!??" and it's just hella weird to even just think about them and you doing the things you both did. and you just wanna text the one person who knew every bit about you back then, but you stop and don't because it would just be hella weird... so you end up writing about it on your blog instead.


PAAATHEEEETICCCC, i know! ARGH.

/:

i kinda miss the past, and all the people that were in my life that made me, me today. EXCEPT some people that i would rather forget completely. because without those particular people, i think i'd be a different person. Id still be out there smoking, drinking, driving (but not at the same time as drinking!) but then again... id still be the same person i was back then...

i haven't changed one bit, only maybe a few parts of me have changed. i'm actually kinda a better person than i was before except the part where i don't really go out much... but hey, if the friends i have now couldn't accept the fact that i hang out with my family a whole lot more than i should, then they aren't really my friends, right? because real friends are there for you through thick&thin.

"you know how i know you're a real friend?"
"how?"
"cas when we had beef, you hella came up to me and hella told me we weren't cool.."

"you know how i knew you were a good friend?"
"how?"
"when we were eating wendy's and i was hella hungry, and i finished my food already... you gave me your food"

those may not be the exact words, but fuck that's how it kinda went & i still laugh at that.
good times good times.

idk. i regret some things i did in the past, because when i think about it now... it was really stupid of me to even consider doing the things i did. i think i just wanted the attention, because my heart got broken and i didn't know how to handle it... so i just didn't really handle it at all? idk i guess i kinda did? i shoulda just died my hair instead of numbing my feelings...

cas when you numb your feelings for so long it's hard to get them all back... and it's hard to care about stuff that you know you should care about, but you still dont....

message to you:
i think you hate me. i think about how you used to look at me when you loved me, and when you looked at me during those lovely confusing 3 months of 08... and the way you looked at me during the party... it's like i was the one who you wanted dead. like you were thinking why the fuck i was talking to you... i think you hate me because im good friends with the girl who finally gave you a taste of what you're probably gonna do to many girls to come. idk i think im over analyzing what could have happened if i just didn't say anything about 'us'... even so, you'll always have a place in my heart, the love i have for you is like a rock, it just wont fucking move... no matter how much i want it to go away... but have a good life, even if you might not deserve it; i just want you to be happy. even if i never get to see your face again... ily.


UGH EMO moment. sorry. haven't had those in a while.




gaaaaah i want nevadaaa. both ways (;

kookookachu.

finding nemo!! i loveee this movieee!! i think i want some popcorn. /: maybe i'll make some...


"gimme some fin, noggin... duuudeeee"
"jelly man, off-spring... off-spring, jelly maan"

mwahahahahaha. it's hella hot tdy. & i dont feel sick anymore.

i wanna go to tahoeee.
mmmmmmm nevadaaaa(:
i can't wait.


why is everyone on the disney channel have that promise ring to not have sex?
id rape a few of em. haha!

aurdina knows who too!

allergies

PS. i gotta new MAC eyeshadowww (:

saaay hello to my new freshwater.

ooooh but for janine's graduation tho she's getting this purple pinkish dress & i am hella gonna get...
i can't find it! wtf. FML

ugh. my allergies are hella bad tdy. & i don't even have any medicine to drink.

butttt. i did finish my eng lab!!! (: yeeee.

then i found out that someone was yellin at someone who didn't deserve to be yelled at.
BITCH, she was lookin out for me. You need to calm the fuck down cas she isn't the only one who's had your name in her mouth. dumbfuck. everyone talks shit about everyone. grow the fuck up.

theeeen went with tiffany to the mall & met brian(:

mmmm then went & got vicious, bitch kept biting me! ugh wtf. & i met carlos and his sister? i guess she went to rodriguez? but i dont remember her... hah saw mike, haven't seen that fool in hella long!!

it was a dope day, now i just have my math final & my medical terminology final too.
bring it fuckn' on biiiitches!!

my throat feels weird, guess cas my allergies. it's all itchy & shiiit.

i'm bored watching CSINY, but it's cool cas this is myy baby(:

new new.

changed up the blog cas i'm at home hellaaa bored.

i was gna go to the gym, but something came up & we had to leave sooo i stayed home instead.

& i did a natural smokey eye kinda look? idk. buuut yess. we're havin

shrimp alfredo for dinner.(: im uber hungry right now. & im writing this blog instead of doing homework like normal asian girls would do. so i guess ima start it. that way i can get that shiiit done. i got finals for it next week hopefully i pass with a D. i needa C to transfer though. /: gaaay


gym tmw!? yeeee.

this is pointless. idk why you're still reading this shit. im gna blog later. maybe.

cas my baby is on tv tnight.

KRIS MOTHAFUCKN ALLEN.(: aww yeah awww yeah!!!

one class down, three to go.

hhh i gotta run a 5 mile final for my pe how gay is that?

i just found out this guy hasn't even seen any recent movies at all. he only knows his disney movies. wtf. you fail!!

i get to see my gma tmw & look hella cute in my pink shirt, me & drinas' twin shorts! (: & myyy new black sandals i got from wetseal. hella juiced i get to dress up!! i just needa place to find so i can wear my black dress i got for hella cheap. anyone wanna take me on a hella exspensive date or a company party?! jk jk.

took my CME. i hope i pass im not tryna do 370 all over again i hella won't survive another semester of that bullshit. i wanna be in english 1 already.

WHY THE FUCK! before the test some guys were walking by me, "oh i see you girl... i see you" (wtf... keep walking keep walking text someone wtf!!) "ey where you goin?!" "i'm goin to class, sup shorty?" "oh, hi..." hella tryna talk to me & shit. i was like wtf can you leave me alone!? then when i was about to go to class hella knocked on the door like he was god "you wanna go to lunch sometime?" "oh, i dont think my boyfriend would like that" "oh, im not tryna fuck with that" (good bitch! i dont want you to) hella walked away to the bathroom hella fast.

i want these classes to be over already. im ready for new classes and new people to see.

i wanna go to the dixon fair!!! take me!?
oohhh & i wanna watch wolverine & obsessed as well.

im gonna research something.

MIMI! let's go on a date to the fair. i'll hold your hand(;

you gon be jealous, & like it!

tdy was hella irritating.

went to school, didn't even go to class. played jeopardy with tiffanys class cas i was waiting for her & they hella let me. got them 200 points! yee!! am i smart at math tho this time. FINALLY. hah

to & got vicious(:

then picked up jessica & tony. at first! it was all good. then my mom called yellin the fuck outta me killin my mood hella fuckn bad like wtf? i told you i was going to hang out with tiffany tdy dumb bitch. wtf. & i told her i was goin to the club but ima tell mark instead again tmw i think haha. to make sure i can go forsure!

waited for drina for hella long! but its all good we gotta appetizer while waiting haha.
theeen went to sonics for drinks. bought everyone a drink! only $6.98 so i wasn't trippin.

then get to wingstop gotta hug from tony & he put his arms around me(: highlight of the day kinda. but then after he started acting funny and got all mad and shit. i was hella about to yell at him. but i didn't want to cas i know i was about cry if i did i was hella frustrated and shit cas the day was hella ruining my mood of actually going out for the week.
dropped him off at home, tiffany kicked him out the car. DIDNT EVEN SAY BYE just like drina said, "HELLA RUDEE!!" haha
then went home, took a shower & talked to mimi about stalking people. haha. we gna go on the run to _______. right mimi!?

hah. then watched my baby on tv saved him yee!
now ima do homework, call tony up & sleep. & text of course.

clubb sat. yeee. we finna break necks like no other!! ima post hella pictures!
WE GON LOOK FINE & YOU GON LIKE IT & BE JEALOUS

"i got the swine flu" "OH WTF GET OUT!!"

caaan i please getta boy like this!? mmm yummy.

haha hella funn tdy.

idk if we're talking tho... hah. gaaay.

haha mimi is hella funny.

DRAMA.

I'm sayin this here cas i probably wont be able to say it in person cas there's certain people that i want to be there when i say all this shit. so if you want, we can all arrange it. doubt the one person who's in the center of this whole entire drama would even show. & don't go sayin i'm a pussy cas i didn't say this shit in person. i would have cas this shit is seriously stupid as hell. i didn't say anything cas i want aeriel to be the first to talk shit about audrina.

cas seriously. wtf is hating audrina gonna do? she didn't do anything to you, she only did it to aeriel. & who let it happen? kevin, but freals... who didn't think that kevin would actually not cheat on aeriel with another female? if it hadn't been audrina it would've been some other bitch that we all dont even know. and if you seriously thought that kevin wouldn't cheat on you & that you guys went through so much shit... wow that's cute and hella naive of you. shoulda thought better when i told you he already cheated on you that one day at school. instead of hella believing him... haha!

& at least, aeriel... it wasn't your COUSIN that he cheated you on with.
yeah i get that you guys didn't do anything until after we broke up. but i'm pretty dam sure you guys started talking in between that, no need to front. i really dont care anymore. he may have loved you then, but i do know he hella doesn't like you anymore. they told me about your relationship with him. & it seriously sounded like you were tryna be me. it really did. but it's cool.

hah. it's funny how the shit you did to me, happened with your bestfriend... but she did it to you. so tell me dear cousin, how does it feel? does it hurt? do you feel this emptiness inside you cas he doesn't want you anymore? how does it feel to have the one person to TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY and the one person you love beyond reason love you one day & the next he's gone & theres absolutely nothing you can do about it?

PLEASE. just stop acting like the victum of a horrible friendship because your dumbass did the same fucking shit to me. so stop being some dumbass bitch & stop feeling sorry for yourself because we ALL knew he'd do it to you too someday. exactly one year & a few months. just like me. so just fucking stop cas it's seriously fucking stupid.

you can't hate someone for giving you a taste of what you've done yourself.

YES i know it was wrong for her do that to her 'bestfriend' and what not. and it's really fucked up that kevin did that to you, your my cousin & i love you, but at the same time sometimes i just really hate you & when i heard about what audrina had done, i was pretty amazed that it finally happened to you.

but i was still angry because it was kevin that she fucked around with. that's the only real reason why i hated her. because it was kevin.

call me jealous, call me stupid, talk shit i really don't care anymore. i've said my piece i probably have more. im just not really thinking right now.

& OMFG. are you serious?!
i love how you said you couldn't be friends with her because if she did to me, she's probably do it to you. as a matter of fact she kinda did. with jeremy. when you went away to disney land & when you came back it was them that were talking. but good shit it wasn't when you guys were dating & in love, huh?

but oh now. when i became friends with here again, you guys are now bffs again? wow.

i know your hella mad cas i dont go out all the time anymore & i never really stood up for myself & i couldn't do shit on my own & i was hella stupid, but really... i do miss hanging out with you & hella laughin cas i mean we did hella laugh & shit. but i really could care less if we were friends again.

but freals, we know that you guys don't like audrina, but you really don't gotta go and put it all over tiffanys page saying "fuck audrina" & all that shit. but whatever do what you wanna do, cas i know you'll do it anyways.

but, why do you hate her? i know why aeriel does. but do you have a solid reason to honestly hate her? besides the fact that she gave aeriel what she deserved? don't lie you know aeriel deserved it after all the shit that her & kevin put me through you were there melanie. you heard the break up, you knew the way he acted. all the times he tried to flirt with you. dont tell me aeriel fell for his trap. dont tell me that aeriel didn't deserve that shit. cas you know she did.

go ahead call me fake cas im friends with audrina again. but don't tell me that we're all not fake. cas i know we all are. but i guess thats the grown shit to do nowadays. since everyones hated & when you see them in person your hella fake to them, so it doesn't seem like you still got beef or whatever.

i'm just doin me & if i'm 'fake' so be it. i really dont care. and i'll be real with who i wanna be real with.

i never forgot JAM and all the shit we've been through & the shit we're still goin through. hah. in a few years we'll all probably laugh about this shit, but who knows.

it freals up to you guys what happens with this.

& if you do wanna kick audrinas ass, then fuck go ahead but know that it probably is for a fucking dumb reason.

if we're all so grown, get the fuck over it.
i forgave aeriel for the shit she did to me, well almost. i dont get hella super mad anymore like i usually did. but sometimes i do. depends how i'm feelin that day.

& you'll be the death of me

&& yet as strong as i allow myself to be, you still have the face that'll make me love you & make me feel like shit at the same time.

the lease you can do is try to be my friend, i don't appreciate you ignoring me & making me look like an idiot.

i hate what you do to me.

i miss the past.

i hate loving you so much, but i love loving you.

& this is why i'll never move on.

cas you'll always be there person in the back of my mind telling me, "don't do it babe, im coming back; just wait for me"

send me the pictures from lastnightttt. (: AHEM, drina & tiff

gotta love it.

never in my life. have i ever made drinks for my family or almost drank with them. i made mixed drinks & drank it, but i couldn't play tip the cup because most the parents i dont want to see me drinkin was outside. some of my auntys can drink tho! is you mad?

after the party we went bowling at stars. i got bit by so many mosquitos it's crazy. it was worth it tho. cas i had fun even tho i suck at bowling. i got one strike tho!! it was funn.

let's club next time. it'll be crackin!

I wanted to know you. But karma's a trip now. You probably shouldn't have left me standin' alone. I wanted to love you.

mmm karma's a trip, love. (:

NLT is hella cute haha. well some of them.
i have a tummy ache from eating too fast. nothing really new. seen kevin yesterday before class. hah nice seein you, but it was weird seeing you. I haven't seen you in so long. you look weird with your beard. /: hella weird. just lettin you know.

spring breeeak is finally here. im so excited to sleep and just chill. too bad i have medical terminology homework. fuckn gay!

let's hang out with week! (:
call me.
text me.

gaaah i kind of have a headache from not eating this afternoon too.
i'm thinkin of texting you, but what good would that do?
would you still act the same?
would you even TRY this time?
would you even care?
cas right now i really dont give a fuck.

sad boys suck. faaaail.

i wonder how many people everyday all over the world is looking at the same myspace page...

random, but whatever.

it aint too late to work things out.

i wish it was raining. im sleepy. again! fuck.
i feel like singing, but im not gna. haha.

mmmm k im bored. im gna go do my homework. and listen to music and bother janine. texttt me.

I can change your life if you let me, i can do it i know just what you need

mmmm. sometimes when that song comes on i get butterflies in my stomach and i think of your face and how you called me love. but then when the song ends i'm reminded by all the many things that ended up happening between us.

why did my mom just ask me about this sweater that's hella cute.

besides that.

im hella bored. & this blog is boring. i bought red vines though! and twix ( reminds me to keke /: )
i love that 70's show hella funny.

ugh angie is bringing me foood i'm soo hungry dam it!!

aaah, i made a list for a guy that i want, but i haven't really put much thought into it. i think i need to work on it more. a lot more. wanna help?

"little red riding bitch!!!"

k idk what to write.
i dont miss you much anymore. hah

you'll never see me again, so now who's gonna cry for you?

went to the candyshoppp!!

soooo.

went to school, went to lab for like almost 2 hours. with nothing to do so i played with my ipod. then as i was leaving i seen pao! & francis! i was talking to them for a quick minute and i seen alex too, but i didn't say hi because i was talking. ): sorry

then went home & just chilled. at some cheese it chex mix thing. it was hella good. & i watched "Bed Time Stories" it was hellof funny! and cuteee

then got picked up by jenny's mom. went to her house & started gettting ready for the clubbb. we stayed in her bathroom like the whole entire time. but we left hella late cas joelles aunty got stuck in tracy.

then joelle, jordan, jenny & i went to go pick up justin.

"why's it so quiet here?"
"do you feel awkward justin?"
"yeah i do..."
"then talk.."

we drank pomoson... i think that's how you spell it.. idk
then hella honey coated blunts.

it was like an 8th?
idk

then we finally got to club, took hella long to get in. i saw leeann but i got hella lost going back into the line... haha!
-_- hella embarrassing.

then i found audrina & chad when we went to the bathroom.
soo then we went upstairs and danced
hella humidity.... my hair was curly when i got there & 20 minutes later, it got all flat & i put hairspray too!!
faiiil.
then danced hella.
some asian guy tried to feel me up that fucker. probably thought i was hella faded, bitch! i wasn't. made me hella mad. i wanted to punch him in the face.

OMG! random people there!
like anthony
& that guy from at&t i think is cute. haha. he looks better in his uniform tho. haha!

it was kinda fun.

i think its funner when i'm either just drinking and not dancing. or if i have someone to dance with.

i hate dancing with random people... i feel weird. haha oh weeeellll

life isn't fair.

you see all these couples with hella problems, but they work it out because they love each other or their just scared to leave them because their so used to that person. i have no clue what im doing wrong. i can't even get my ex boyfriend to come hang out with me & i can't even get the guy who says i'm his 'wifey' to have a conversation with me.

well fuck. im fucked.

gaaah. whatever i dont care anymore. it's too frustrating /:

whatevs. im done.

can you tell me where did he go? but i dont want no other girl to get that...

"You can spend minutes,hours,days,weeks,or maybe even months over analyzing a situation;trying to put the pieces together ,justifying what would've,could've happened ...or you could just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." - tupac

haha hella laughed when i seen that.

mmm im feelin emotional! i got my period tdy after pe. hella gay!!!!

it's cool tho.

i gotta figure out how you stole my heart... i'm loosing grip what's happening?

beeen awhile.

grandparents are back from the flip side! yay!
they been gone since my birthday ): that was a sad excuse of a day. soo many let downs. but is all good. this year my birthday will be perfect. just a simple dinner with the people i talk to the most. which is like down to 2 people who aren't related to me
-_- dam. homegirl needs more close friends. OH! unless xye, kristen & noelle go (:

today. i was in the exact place where i lost something with someone special. and at that moment while i watched the tv, your face was infront of mine & i swear our relationship passed through my head like when someone's life flashes through your head... i saw your face, the way you looked at me during most nights. they way you laughed when i sang and danced to that white chicks songs, haha good times. i even got to talk to you for a bit. which was cool. except you had no interest in talking to me. i still get jealous over you. like you're still my keke. i feel like ive been living in denial for the past 3 years of my life without you. gaaah. the only guy id drop everything for. not even danny. fuck man. i just wish you'd try to be my friend at least. for all the shit i've done for you & the shit you've put me through... you could at least be my friend.

sometimes imy lots. /:

gaaah. i was hella tired & now i'm just thinking. but there's nothing to think about.
kevin, tony, club.

kevin - doesn't even wanna have anything to do with me. it seems. idk if your mad at me or if you just dont wanna deal with me cas my mom. which is such a fucked up reason to just completely stop hanging out with me. esp when i was on my period. it makes me think you didn't stick around because we couldn't have sex anymore... haaahaaa!

what is with men & sex & relationships? rather yet. why is it that a guy only pays attention to his girlfriend when it's a sexual conversation?

maybe i'm just going for the wrong guys...

i just wanna know if you still care about me at least... if you dont love me anymore, then that's fine. sad but at least id let you go. & i wonder if we're still gonna get married when i turn 23. lemmeknow.

tony - doesn't even text me, call me, all he says is O. but i'm not even trippin off it. cas i'm still waiting for that proof baby. not even gonna apologize to my stepdad. how can you first say you are & then tell him to come to you? wtf is that. you said sorry to my mom. what's the difference in saying sorry to my stepdad? freal. grow up.

apologies are everywhere. they'll always be given and taken seriously, so idk what's so hard about doing that...

club - hella excited!!

going with:

jenn & joelle
drina & chad
enoch & jordan
& mee.

i hope it's crackin. i dont even care if the club has good music im gonna have fun! in my yellow bee dress. haha!
i hope i have monies though. i need at least 30 for food. fuckk
but yeah....

um ok over being sad!!

i still want my stars & rockets eyeshadow. ):

sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is

it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who wouldn't give up on them....

SO TRUEEE. stole this from this guy that added me. thanks ACM. haha.

i think i wanna try to be your friend, but if i dont make any progress it's whatever i tried. i still wanna be your friend & you know that i'll always be there for you through thick & thin no matter what happened between us. i'm probably the only girl that could deal with all your shit & the way you act. i just miss hanging out with you. i dont hang out with you just because your nice, i hang out with you because i care about you & because i love you.

love. fuck love. /: there's so much hurt into one thing. numb yourself. it won't hurt as much.

random texts from people are funny. whew. jennys so mean, but so nice. haha

but you caught me off guard. i didn't think you'd text me at all anymore.
but here you are. fixing what we lost, but your still the same. just making sure i'm still here if you need me, huh? don't even text me much still. so..

i really don't give a fuck what happens between us now.
told you i wasn't here for games. so do what you do baby. & if you really wanna be with me. prove that shit to my face. don't tell me. show me.

a picture is worth a thousand words.

words just compliments an image. if there's not image to begin with, then how can you compliment yourself? you say your this & that you're that. you've shown me you can kiss and laugh & play, which was cute. but still. show me that you really wanna be with me.

i'm waiting.

"ID FUCK WIT ALL YA'LL CAS YA'LL SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!"

NIGGA WTF!?

im tired of these niggas with no respect for a good female.

tryna be a pimp & shit. your just a scared ass kidd that doesn't know what he wants.

freals. im tired of this shit.

I TOLD YOU BEFORE, i'm not HERE TO PLAY GAMES & your gna say what you said was real. THEN WTF is that dumbass shit on your page? wow you think im that naive, bitch pleaaaaase!

tryna say im not the only one who got hurt. but im the ONLY one who's gotten hurt hella times. so i'm more familiar with your game then you. at first that shit worked good. but now, hahaha don't make me laugh.

FUCK THAT SHIT.
"dont hate the player, jasmine. hate the game"
just hate the game..

talk to your females.
cas ill tell you this nignagg,
I DONT GIVES A FUCK no more.

LONG HAIR, DONT CARE!!!

just like kanye said, "you do you & im gon' do mine, you do you & im just gon'be fine."

pfft. you aint my diamond, just another zirconia added to my dam pile.

diamond in the rough...

went to physical therapy today! hella awesome.

my hand smells like cilantro though... thought id let you know.

hella in a better mood after my doctors appt.

ok so he asked me how i was & i was like

"my shoulder or just life?"
"your shoulder..."
"it's good"
"ok, now what about life?"
"well, schools easy i just gotta raise up my grade for one class it's shouldn't be that bad. but my love life... it's not cool"
"your love life? you don't need one your 19!"
"yeah i know but still i've been single for awhile"

and so i told him about tony kinda. and how when i talk to someone i just get to know them to see if i wanna be with them and he was like

"you shouldn't do it that way. let me ask you a question, and you don't have to answer it just yet... what are the qualities you want in the opposite sex? don't answer it just yet just think about it"

then he said
"look at it this way, when you know what you want... you look for those qualities in a man. don't settle for less, you wouldn't settle for second best right? it's like choosing a diamond. diamonds have no flaws. if you had to choose from zirconia & a diamond. what would you choose? you wouldn't choose a zirconia, zirconias are found all over the place, you can always replace them, but if you pick a diamond... you'll have it forever. so try to find that diamond in the rough, don't settle for less than that"

DAM. hella opened my eyes about things! i mean i have standards for guys but him. he had two specific things he wanted in his woman. she had to be christian & get along with his family hella good. this girl he dated was a different race & he just couldn't do that & then this other girl just got along with his family ok. so he couldn't do that either, he found a girl that had both. i was like dammmm nigga!

i was like if your picky you won't really get anything. i guess i'll let a few things slide but the big parts that are important to me, they'll stick. freals.

so ima make a list. just not now cas im hungry.

ANYWAY.
parents suck!

"i'll drop that mother fucker!!!"

mmm tony called me today, but my mom was using the phone so i didn't get to pick up & then when i called back he didn't answer & i texted him but he never texted me back.

freals. i hate this dumbass game.

if you fucking wanna be with me, don't just tell me... SHOW ME you really want me to be what you say. if it's real... you'd try at least. i've been trying. so don't FUCK WITH MY EMOTIONS. i've been fucked over so many times. i dont deserve to be played anymore. ive been through this shit before. im ready for a real man. so step up your game nigga! & get on my level

i'm done with these games.

so either try, or just step off. cas i'm not playin no more.

"those of you who fell off, your not even worth mentioning"

WTF?

omg today is hella not a good day. im frustrated, angry & fucking pissed.

idk if you were thinking of me when you said that fell off shit. but if anyone fell off... it was you. you're the one who pushed me away when i needed you most. you made me feel love again and then you left me in the cold with nothing. just as fast you got back into my life, the faster you were gone. disappeared from the face of my earth. i'm the one who kept trying to hang out with you, but you kept saying no. telling me "idk" i hate your stupid idks. you fucking suck a whole lot of dick. i can't even fucking say that i still love you because youre being one of the biggest cunt nuggets of 2009. all i wanted was to be your damn friend, but you can't even do that. can't even take the time out of your busy life to see if i'm doing ok. the one you said you still cared about. out of all the shit i've done for you.... i was fucking there for you when you got down in the dumps. i took every moment in my life to talk to you. to make sure that you were good to go. you hella used me to make yourself feel better. didn't you? and im stupid for letting you do that. UGH. you make my life so complicated. i can't even move on because i still think we're gonna end up together.... well FUCK.MY.LIFE.

it's so easy to tell a girl your feelin her. to tell her "i want you, baby" but you can't even text a bitch to tell her your awake or that you're thinking of her. it's not that hard to type a text. why are boys to deficient with communication? you know how to text other girls. how to cheat. how to ignore someone. how to argue. how to think "oh you got that because of ____". and all that other shit you guys do. hella just putting us down. WTF is up with you people.

idk maybe it's my fault because i just want someone to love me. i have people that do. i just don't have anyone that's special to me anymore. someone i can just be with. someone to trust.

seriously though.
i'm tired of your games.
so if you like me, don't just say it and leave.
PUT IN SOME FUCKING EFFORT.

yeah i can't really see you cas i dont drive. but i mean if you say you want me. you could at least have a conversation with me...
i mean what do you expect when we're an item. im not gonna have a conversation with your lips engulfing mine.

today is just not cracking. i'm too confused.

but i went and hung out with matt, rachel & james. hella long since i seen them. we went to the lake and they jumped off rocks. well, rachel did. no one else did. matt was too buzzed i didn't have a suit & certainly james wasn't gonna jump. he's the only person i know, who's still going out with his gf. since like freshman year. HELLA long. idk how they stay together. & now she's in the Philippines for school. how will they survive.

idk what to wear tomorrow.

i needa smoke a black or cigg.

school hella fails.

girl, are you ready? are you ready for love? are you ready for us? are you ready to glow in the dark?

gaah lovin that chris brown song.

your SOOO CLOSEEE!! yet your soo far away. /:

gaaah i wish that night didn't happen that way i could go see you & we could hang out.

fuck it's like romeo & juliet without the families hating each other tho.
the parents just dont like the guy...

the things you do to be with someone, it's amazing how you see different types of people and how they stay together. like hella fighting, getting even, just being happy, sneaking around...

i envy those who's stayed to fight it out. at the end of the day it's all worth it.

it's easier to see someone leave you behind. idk why but i dont want him to leave... hah maybe i'm being too dependent on him, after all we just met. what does he have that makes me wanna be with him after all this confusing shit that went down? idk but i guess ima find out soon.

ugh i can't even see the two people i wanna see most. one lives too far away & my stepdad dont like. the other one just doesn't even wanna talk to me or be my friend. is this really the best? i still miss you, just not as bad as before.
it's so pathetic. im getting a headache

fml to the max


EDIT//
ok, so i feel better. hah.

i'm gonna be his wifey.(:

i just hope everything works out & nothing gets all fucked up or complicated.
he's so far away, so i wont really get attached which is a good thing. i have this habit where i get really dependent on my boys.

im hella excited to get my license.

i already got plans.

pick up audrina
pick up tiffany
drive to school for once
go shopping
get a better job
pick up tony(:
go clubbing
pick up jenny from school
drive to H&M past concord
drive to sac
drive to hayward hang out with angie
visit ashley!!
drive around & play got money by lil wayne hella loud!

do what i waaaant basically. as long as i can afford gass.

mmm im gonna look up tattoo drawings. (:

"you'll probably find a girl that will go & see you"
"no i want you"
"you can get any girl you want, why me?"
"cas i want you"

it is too early to be on here right now. -_-

helllaaa gaaay.

mmmm today im clubbin!! in like hella long.

i wish tony could come. /: id hella spot him. but he doesn't have a ride & i can't find anybody to pick him up.
fuuuuckk.

oh well. hopefully audrina will come too! cas it's gonna be me, jenny, joelle & his crew.
its kinda cold. ugh i still haven't done my medical terminology homework. fuck me sideways.

i wonder if anyone died at wal*mart....?

there's nothing really to say.

except. im not as jealous. maybe cas i dont care? or im waiting for disappointment. who knows.

UGH

boys disappoint me too much. /:

but i gotta be optimistic, right audrina? hah thanks freal tho for helping esp. lastnight!
i didnt know how much one person who isnt in your life can affect the way you think so much... it makes things much more complicated then they really should be. or maybe im just being blind right now, but im not the only one. right?

but why the fuck was this tax lady tryna talk to me in tagalog even when i kept saying what the bitch still did it. & then she got the nerve to tell my mom she was mad at me? the fuck!?

im only gettin 30 back basically im gettin 81 but i gotta oay her 49 FAIL

i wanna see you again! but without some weird random fighting happening.
cas i wanna get to know you more.

"i will keep you safe forever"

UGH. First impression

Some say that the first impression is everything.

So everything has to go perfect.

what if your perfect impression goes wrong? what do you do then?

what if your parents don't want to see him at your house ever again?

what am i supposed to do then?

things happen for a reason, i guess i'll have to wait to find out what will happen next. i hella don't wanna stop seeing you. you take my mind off kevin & i really believe you might be the person to help me. it was just not the right moment to meet my parents. i hella didn't know that shit was gonna happen, i feel so bad & i hope you guys make it back to sac. fucccck. i feel so embarrassed, but you guys both were just protecting family so it's understandable. i can't believe your still calling me baby(:

i dont even know what to say really.
it was good talking to you audrina. hella made me laugh
"dude, it's cas your not a disney princess" LMFAO
that's the highlight of my day besides robby trying to get hickies from a vacuum HAHA

i'm sorry baby, i pray we make it.
you're not just a friend. trust. (:



winds&solid rock
As she grew fonder of you, you slipped away into the darkness, only to return for a brief taste of cool lovely air, caressing her dark colored hair circling her in your winds lifting her above the ground just like you did before. sadly your winds fade out and you slip away again. this time when you come back to entwine her in your lovely winds she'll be held down by rock solid love that doest come and go. he'll keep her grounded with his love always leading her back to him. slowly her love for you will set itself in the back of her mind while rock solid keeps his ground right in front of her eyes

i think your right.
good cry, good sleep

haha

i kinda feel like if i dont make an effort to come see you, you'll leave me. its not that im not trying. not many of my 'friends' would even consider driving me down there... except a few but one dont gotta car & the other her dad probably wont let her take the car...

im tired & my stomach hurts

tdy was not what i thought it'd be. /:

hella early.

why is my mom tryna drop me off at school like an hour early?

the fuccckkk!?

anyway. yeah im hella tired i needa sleep more, but when i try to i just can't seem to fall asleep. weird i know. haha!

butt yesss.

we left the drama for my momma like waaaah. haha. it's in the past anyway so whats left to fight for?
nothing really. it's just a waste of my air & that air, im gonna use it for something productive or whatever. but yeah... audrina's pretty cool. she's cooler than i thought she would be. we called a truce so it's al gravy in the navy caahs.

but do we give a fuck if you talk shit?
like tony said, "nah, it's nothin."

hey tonyyy!
i like the way you move
hey tonyyy!
if i could, i would go see you
your the one & only tigger
with the one & only taste
that'll make you feeel
g-g-g-greaaat
frosted flakes are moreee than goood!
their g-g-great!

haha. hella changed the words a bit cas i hella forgot how it actually goes. i got it half way right.

gaaah i gotta go to church wif the madre. text meee!
my stomach hurts

i hope you come over tdy!!
<3

we were in a fairytale but this is farewell

okay, im back up on my grind
you do you and im just gon' do mine
you do you, 'cause i'm just gon' be fine
okay, i got you out my mind

TIP YOUR BAAAARTENDERR

LAST NIGHT, was crackinn! except when the cops kept coming cas the noise level was hella loud but fuck i made some good ass drinks.

mango mojito
strawberry mojito
henn & coke
vodka & cran
vodka & pineapple
the flirt
kawakaze i think it is..?

then they had this hella tight as drink from florida that just came out. TYKU i think it's spelled. when you pour the drink that shit lights up & the liquor is actually green that shit is off the hook

i wanna learn how to make the shit tho. my sister made on for the body guard, he said it tasted like juice but he didn't feel it until hella after & he was FUCKED UP.

we got hella tips tho. I got 70 outta it. i could've had more but the cops shut that shit down & the host almost went to jail. /: he's pretty cool tho. he let me use his computer & shit while i hid from the cops. hah

i didn't sleep til 5 or 6 cas i was texting 'tony'. i guess he's still sleeping or something.
but yeah i took pichas their hella cute. i had falsies on. it was cool.

UGH but when we were getting ready...
ang put my lashes on my left eye first and it went like this

ang: alright don't move
me: (hella tryna text and keep my eyes shut OG style) k
ang: alright look down, open your eyes jas
me: .... i can't
ang: LMAO OH SHIT here... (she pulled my bottom lid) i hella glued your eyes shut.

-_-fuckn gay.

this dude in a vest kept smilin at me tho i was like UGH grandpa, im 19 not 21...
it was cool tho i met this girl, and she said she'd get me a ID. muahahhaa. now i dont have to go to just the buddha lounge anymore.

when i turn 21... im gonna try and get my bartending license, so if you need a bartender at a house party, im down for pay.

TODAY,
i hella forgot my username for gmail. so i was hella tryna get my password and shit. its been two days! then i found out i spelled my shit wrong... haha. hella dumbbb.

im hella tired i think ill take a nap or do my midterm..

we got role models maybe ill watch that.


LETS GO SHOPPPIN!!!

imyk

L-L-L-LAAAADIES...

night in vacaville was crackin' last night!

Tiffany & I went to eat lunch with Keke at uhhh whats that store called... Quiznos! yeah we went there i hada salad but i didn't eat it all /: i was nervous for some reason haha! and then we dropped keke off and when i tried to put the seat back in the truck it made this hella weird ass noise, hella funny then my asscrack showed to hella people cas SOMEONE decided to drive hella fast
-_-

then we went back to petes and he gave me hella m&ms... it's already the next day and they're almost gone!

then when pete got home we went and met up with mimi & jessica. HELLA FUNNY posted at burgerking talked shit about people i dont know but still it was funny, the faces they were making hella funny

*laughing like mimi* hehe
"hello?"
"HEHE"
*click, calls back*
"hello..."
"was that mimi?"

then we walked around the outlets tried to find an outfit for tiffany. hella fugly clothes in the stores. then we went to naughty or nice haha hella weird shit in there. thennn....


LADIESSS NIIIGGHHHTTT!!!!
went to hella salons that gave us free shit! first one gave us mojitos (virgins ):) got some hand massages, cheese cake hella good too! and signed up for some free jewlery (fake ass rinestones tho) then we got some shampoo thing..

next salon gave us some fuckin grapes and chocolate brownie bites
lady talking to tiffany: oh yeah your hair is fine
lady looks at mimi, jessica & me: yeah we'll just give you guys some shampoo
mimi: it's cas we got black hair
me: the fuck what kinda hair do i got? asian hair?

OH BUT THE LAST SALON, fuckin crackin!
hella nice inside! private rooms dope waiting room. they wouldn't give us wine tho, dam. but jessica & i got us hella salami and some of those cracker things they had HELLA GOOOOD. fuck i want some right now...

tomorrows gonna be hella fun too!
bartendinnnn & gettin moneys. is you mad?
hope i dont fuck up on them drinks though... haha that'd suck to get yelled at by some drunk bitch or something.
i dont get to drink tho ): oh well at least im gettin money honey!

ughhh my stomach hurts & i gotta revise my essay, some of my shit dont make sense. FUCKKKK. oh well at least i gotta chance to get a better grade niggaaas!

with the money, i think ill go buy:
-forever21 clothes, i need more cute shit.
-mac cosmetics! i need more shadows & that bent brush i hella want! or the slanted eyeliner brush. i got the eyebrow one and it is not crackin havin to deal with that thick brush on my eyes.
-H&M
-s'more heels! i cant wear those boots in the summer!
-earrings
-urban decay primer potion
-haircut?

depends on how much i get. either that ill save it.
UGH i gotta do taxes!
i gotta headace & im nervous. /:

"cas we belong together now
forever united here somehow
you got a piece of me
and honestly
my life would suck without you
being with you is so dysfunctional
i really shouldn't miss you, but i cant let go"

utada hikaru made a song that made its way to american that is tighttt

reminisce

hah. im looking at all my old inbox mail things.

hella funny. & cute

"HoMieSk8eR156:..i know what i had .. i lost it and now ill do every thing i can not to let that happen again
jsmn m y lo v e: mee too babe. i want us to be together as long as possible. (uhh foreverrr)"

at least you thought so before. whatever.

anyway. hung out with tiffany at the mall for a bit. too bad dress doesn't look that good on me. BELT please? i think so.
gaaah i can't wait to get it. (:

then went to safeway seen urriel. talked to her for a bit.

then i think i seen audrina walking home today...? but im not sure if it was her cas i couldn't see. X|

i m t o y w y l m

FML to the max

Hella bad fuckin day and it's only monday.

FUCK.

went to my optometry appt. with the madre. then the dumbass bitch doctor chick tells me i can't wear contacts because im not responsible. THE FUCK BITCH!? how the fuck would i know if my eyes were irritated when they always kinda been like that? the fuck? what am i suppose to wear my glasses? i dont think so that shit gives me a bad ass headache. but now i'm contactless for a week. & my moms over here tryna say it's cas i wear makeup. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID!? why the fuck would it be makeup? hella people with contacts wears makeup. why would there be a difference with me? the fuck. and then she's over here tryna yell at me through my earphones. CANT HEAR YOU BITCH IT'S TOO LOUD FOR YOUR DUMBASS VOICE. fuck man. WTF. im fucking pissed. and then i have a test on wednesday & today we had a review & why the fuck... i dont know most of that shit. wtf. math is hella easy too. & then i have a midterm due at the end of the fucking week.

& then some people are being gay.
how are you gonna say 'IDK' when i ask you when we're gonna hang out?
& then how is it that when you thought i was with tiffany you got hella excited but you dont even wanna hang out with me.
well fine then FUCK IT.

i wanna smoke. & drink. fuck what they say i'll do what i want.
i wanna club.

FUCK MY LIFE.
FUCK GLASSES.
FUCK BOYS.
FUCK YOU.

make me feel better
i'm gonna watch danny.

random ass flashbacks

It's hard to imagine yourself 50 years from now, if you're married to the person you really wanna be with right at this moment. It's easier to look back on the past things you've experienced. Great or gruesome, the choices you made those past days that took you down the path you look were a part of life. Looking back upon how i ended up being here today is just funny and weird!

to believe that i wanted to marry that person who introduced me to the one person i wanna be with most now. I hella thought he was the one; but, i guess he was the reason why i met kevin in the first place... I'm not saying i regret being with him. It's just weird when you think about what you wore say... 3-4 years ago. You see a picture of you in a black stretchy v-neck whom your cousin had the same shirt, the reason why i have no idea. I think my dad bought it for us. A green sweat suit jacket with the hood up, long unfixed hair, NO MAKE UP whatsoever, old navy 'skinny' jeans that looked more boot cut then skinny, a black belt that you put sideways and some vans...

or that time when him & all his friends came to your house because they wanted to fight people and what you wore was hella ugly! the only thing i remember was a pink skirt with capri jeans under that had the ends folded but looked like pants because you're hella short for em!

or that time when i thought me and kevin were going on a date so i hella dressed up and curled my hair to look pretty for him, we ended up hanging out with tiffany, aeriel and melanie and other people i forgot who... and he said to me, "why'd you curl your hair today?" and i said "cas i wanted to" or something like that... i was HELLA moded.

or that time when we first first started dating in the summer and we were at green valley, and everyone was skating and we sat on a curb next to your van and we started kissing and you hella opened your mouth and i pulled away hella nervous and it went like this:

"what're you doing!?"
"... nothing..."
"are you trying to french kiss me!?"
"...no"
"Lol yes you are!"

hah, i loved the faces you used to make at me like that time you were laying on matts bed and you wanted me to kiss you and you were like "baaaaaaaabee!!"

or when we were standing hella close to eachother and i wanted a kiss id pucker up and get on my tiptoes and close my eyes and you'd bend down a little and kiss me...

but then there were those other times... id rather not mention...

good times, good times...

BUT ANYWHO before i was hella side tracked.

It's really weird... thinking about the past and how you thought you would end up hella did the opposite of what you wanted and nothing really ended up the way you wanted it to, even though you want something so badly to happen you almost tasted it but blew it because you mentioned a topic that he didn't want to get into...

but it's not like you met hella good ass people along the way right? even though things didn't end up the way you want, along the way of trying to get over him, hide your feelings you meet people you actually never thought about before.

but there are also times when i just dont wanna really meet anyone else because you already get me... you already know me... you've got everything down crossed the T's and you've dotted my I's... but i guess that is boring...

i just want you to be happy.

I'm not over you, but in time you'll just be a big part of my life that i'll never forget and i'll always love you kevin.

i miss those days where we'd take a nap in your room
or when we'd watch movies and i'd fall asleep and you woke me up by kissing me on the nose and lips and calling me babe... and that time when i was sick and we went to your mums and we fell asleep on the floor and we had to drop me off at my house and i you hugged me out of nowhere...

good times very good times...

i admit, i miss you but this time you aren't the center of my world. & the next one that comes along won't be either...
but i hope the next one is you.

it's so unclear, where do we go from here
oh love
the passion we shared is unparallel
ive had others in my time but none can compare
to our chemistry to the energy we share
and all all i want is you
it took some time but i see now that you are the one
and all i want is you
see we've been living in a blur
questioning if this is lust or love
giving ourselves up to one another with no strings attached
attached
oh love
it hit me with a ton of bricks
i woke up and realized this was it
the very love i was searching for
don't need to look nomore
all i want is you
say you hear me
please let me know
that you feel me
i dont wanna go on without you
trust me, i'll do anything to make you happy
and trust this love is all you'll ever need

via; you

So while i'm in my phase of changing majors. I'm trying to stick to one... and stick it out for a bit to get ahold of what i really wanna do.

FUCCKKKK nursing. i love babies. but, all the work and years to become a nurse is just not as crackin as i thought it would be.

but while im sitting just starting to do nothing, i look at my page and see all the sappy shit i have on it.

so, this.... is to you my dearest loveliest peoples:

(it's just scattered thoughts but i think you'll get the drift if i'm talkin about you, but if not... that's is just too bad)

- i still love you, but you're not making this easy for me, every time i think about you... it just gets me a little sad... there's no telling what will happen between us. in the end; it's always going to be you that will come into my mind when i come to judgement on something in m life.

- if i think about it, i don't really want to move on. BUT that doesn't mean i won't do it...

- i'll talk to other people, give them chances, they probably wont work out until i find the one that just seems to fit with me...

- i'm not gonna hang out with people i don't wanna affiliate with.

-the reason why your back stabbing bestfriend betrayed you in a way you could somehow NEVER believe would HAPPEN to someone LIKE YOU is because, my dear dear cousin is because that's the same situation you put me through.. just i got even in more then one ways.

- you're a dumbass for going back. really... somehow i knew you were weak.

- idk why you still try and be buddy buddy, even with his mom. you're nothing but baby... you take what's not yours and try to make it your own, but when you find out that someone else has your old toy.. you want it back again.

- why don't you just leave already and forget about him. he already has...

- he never even loved you, trust me i know.

- i'll always consider you one a valuable friend

- nothing lasts forever, so keep it while its good.

- i wanna be friends with you, just after your done with your phase

- i love you

- NO ONE will EVER make you feel the way i did, not matter what you think... i'll always be the that person...

- i think when we see each other again after a long leave of absence... we'll both feel at least something upon eye contact.

- i hope things gets better between us

- i want his number.

- i wish at least once you'd think of me and text me bitch

- asdfjkl; my mom....

I don't understand how the one person who hurt me the most, is the person who I wanna be with more than anything.

I love pretty in pink.

"Despite my appearance at this function, i remain, and will always be... a duck-man"

".. you are my exception"

He's just not that into you; best movie i've seen this whole year!

i recommend you watch it. but i got dibs on Alex niggas!

i dont giva fuckkk bout his butt-chin he's still my boo

gigi pissed me off tho on some parts.

& scarlett johanson... you're hot but damn gruh! those clothes -_-

hella funny day.

went to school

went to chiro

went to safeway

watched my CSI, mmmmm all 3 kinds, Las Vegas, NY & Miami.

& i got to watch my favs in action d; 

ummm... yeah

OH &.

people are so stupid, why don't you just stop talking shit, youre too big of a pussy to do anything, anyway.

I'm sorry mrs.jackson, but i am foreal never meant to make yo daughter cry i apologize a trillion times

big ass headache.

slept through most of the game /:

you're so fucking ridiculous, it's disappointing that once i got back to school you decide that you don't want to hang out with me anymore. so much for being friends. i guess i really did cause you problems. but dam, idk why i still fucking text you like we're still the same people we were before. you have your biker friends so i guess i'm not cool enough to hang out with.

fuck that, that's hella rude.

i hate people who complain about other people ditching them and shit for other people.

i'm over here still holding on to you hoping one day you might change your mind. 

you're the only one who knows me inside out now... & i hate that when i need someone you're the one i think about calling... you're too busy for me.

i love how i let everyone leave me behind.

i wanna leave. move?

stop, drop, pop, BITCH, im cold, hot aint used to be in tow, stop, so i can never be your robocop fast or slow, you can stay, you can go

sooo far on my status of my car accident.

arm is healing, yaaay! (:

car - still fucked up

rental - hopefully getting it tomorrow

& i believe we're suing the company for hitting me. 

hopefully, i dont have some ugly ass scar on my arm from this. If i do, i'm planning on seeing if i can get a tattoo to cover it up i half way got what i want on it. but im not sure about it.

&&

while we were in the city i think i seen the new dodge charger, it was silver it was a mix between the camaro kevin used to have that sexy loud red one and the charger he bought too. haha. kinda looked like this. lance said that it was the new charger

"how do i get better once ive had the best..."

"....you said there's tons of fish in the water 

so the waters i will test

and yes i do regret

how i could let myself

let you go

now the lessons learned

i touched it i was burned

oh i think you should know

cause when i'm with him

i am thinking of you

thinking of you

what would you do if

you were the one

who was spending the night

oh i wish that i 

was looking into your eyes

looking into your eyes

looking into your eyes

oh wont you walk through

and bust in the door

and take me away

oh no more mistakes

cause in your eyes i'd like to stay..."

my arm hurts hellaaaa. /:

gaaaah! it burnsss! i just put hydrogen peroxide on my arm... ),:

lets have some fun this beat is sickkk

it's funny how you meet people...

like meeting kevin at my house when i needed someone to kick someones ass haha

or like today...

i meet a guy named richard, he like t-boned me when i was driving my moms car. /:

it was kinda weird. but it wasn't that bad i guess. went to the hospital got my cuts all cleaned up and bandaged and what not. gotta few days to heal though... my arm hella fucking hurts. but my head... oooo weee my head just hurts like a mother fucker...

dam dude. like freals. i asked god for a distraction and he sureee did give me one. haha!

mmm i wanna watch taken and grantorino. i hope kevs brings it over and not ditch me.. fucker.

janine didn't even ask if i was ok or anything. HOOOOW rude.

gaah alright im finna lay down and chill.

wanna keep me company & take care of me?

bring me some cake nigggggaa(:

boys boys boys, buy us drinks in baars

broke my thumb nail today from petes dam truck.

UGH. nursing111 is hella hard if you take it online. or maybe it's just me since i did... actually hella... took hella notes. but shit. i need 'em... there's hella sections to cover & what not. then i went to the mall...

HELLA money in the bank ohhh nigga.

who the fuck is ballin now bitches?

& i get paid tomorrow too niggas!?

oh am i too juiced? fuck yeah.

/: hella got stood up tho.

SOMEONE said they would come and hang out with me today... but it's almost 9 & that nigga hasn't even texted me back to even tell me he wasn't coming.

WHO THE FUCK does that!?

dyed my hair a new color. i need a new me. from this stress getting to me.

kevin

school

driving

work hours

money

etc.

take me to the club, get drunk & sway all night long to the rhythm of the beat.

my butts all numb.

someone take me back home tomorrow i get out at 11 ):

mmmmm im tired.